Madonna - After Hard Candy leaked, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame committee must have collectively put their heads in their hands and cried. Nevertheless, I applaud her for her upcoming LiveNation contract. Why she continues to release music is beyond my comprehension (mainly because she's no musician and no singer), but she can keep up the vaudeville act until her legs atrophy.

Janet - If Madonna is neither a musician nor a singer, Janet is even less so. Jermaine should let the bitch open the goth leather bar of her dreams and stop pushing her to perform so that he can relive his teenage wet dreams of her back-flipping through a movie screen and onto his dick. Janet's like the donkey in painted zebra stripes being dragged along Avenida Revolucion by some Tijuana con-artist. All she really wants is her own private barn and a bottomless trough.

Mariah - She's calcified her Rainbow Brite image, and I look forward to seeing her in 30 years strutting and posing her EEE implants onstage in a slinky black tube dress as she lip-syncs "Boy (I Need You)." Fuck the question: "Will she get divorced?" Will she keep her weight off?

Bobbi Kristina's leaked MySpace photos - I know we're all holding our breath in suspense for the day when we see photos of BK giving Hannah Montana the shocker.

That other whore - Who?